You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
