did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
