then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
