why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
