Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The uberlube is also flammable
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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