it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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