Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
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Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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