Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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