clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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