I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
