Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
