She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
