i just wanna soil my oats bro
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
honey bunches of taint.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
