omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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