Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We had to coat check the pizza.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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