i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
