I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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