I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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