just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
