I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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