Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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