ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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