It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.