so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure