It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
