what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
