It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
