Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
