We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
