I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
