so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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