i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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