I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
