I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
