So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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