you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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