Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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