Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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