regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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