Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
