So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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