I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
