Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
