Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
