He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
