I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
