My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
