saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
