The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
