At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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