He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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