You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
