i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
