Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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