Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
