Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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