Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
