The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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