I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
