Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
