farters have to be the big spoon...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
