im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
