Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
