I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
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I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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