Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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