It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
