apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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